Should they get divorced?

Although it does not happen that often any more, one still has the opportunity to read or hear about a couple who are celebrating their 40th or 50th marriage anniversary. How do they do that? "Marriage must be an existence of everlasting interest to succeed". Jack Penn. After the marriage ceremony one experiences the honeymoon phase of one's marriage. It is heaven on earth and one's partner is the greatest and life is wonderful. Of course this will not last forever as in fairy-tales and sooner or later one enters into the next phase of one's marriage and discovers the 'truth' about one's partner. Suddenly one's partner has become a normal human being - someone that sweats when it is warm; who needs to brush his or her teeth three times a day but does so only once a day; who gets angry for no real reason; who is sloppy; or farts in the bedroom; or ...(use your own imagination). Fact is, suddenly one has entered the next phase of one's marriage and it all happened so subtle and without warning.

"Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out; and such as are out wish to get in!" Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882.

Gradually one experiences feelings completely the opposite of the first phase of the marriage; disappointment, frustration, stress, conflict, judgment, etc. One needs to blame someone or something and it is normally one's partner or one's relationship or oneself. These feelings may disappear from time to time and be replaced by the wonderful, loving feeling one still has for one's partner; but soon the second phase return. Feelings that are experienced can differ from oversensitiveness to boredom to irritation to anger. During the first phase one is sensitive to illusions, while the second phase makes one susceptible to anguish and loneliness.

"The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man!" Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1772-1834.

Whilst these two phases are experienced by most couples, not every couple succeed in reaching the final phase of one's relationship. This is the sphere one needs to enter into to become part of the ever diminishing group of married people who can celebrate their 40th or 50th anniversary. When one starts to accept oneself for what one is and love oneself, it becomes possible to accept one's partner in the same way. One needs no conditions to love oneself and the same should be applicable to one's partner. "Oneself and one's partner want to be loved unconditional and want to love unconditional". This, however, is a lifelong process.

"That best portion of a good man's life; his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love!" William Wordsworth 1770-1850.