COMMUNICATION ... and RESPECT.

Modern technology has provided us with superb communication equipment like cellphones, TVs and computers. This allows us to communicate almost with anybody anywhere in the world - except with our husbands or wives when both of us are at home. Then all these wonderful communication paraphernalia becomes inadequate and is in fact a threat to our well-being. The more communication technology advances, the better and bigger variety of information exchanging tools made available to us, the bigger and more dangerous the threat to our talkative, free-spoken, unreserved, sociable, friendly, open, revealing and chatty expressions of feelings between husband and wife. There can be no mutual understanding without communication between people. As the wife has said to her husband - Talk to me, please talk to me, I don't want more sex, talk to me!!! To smother communication at home between husband and wife, means to stop the breath of expressing feelings, to prevent couples to one day obtain a perfect communion of thoughts, to share harmony, to spend a day in communion with nature. Lack of communication will lead to lack of respect and lack of respect will automatically lead to all the thousand-and-one other phenomena like gossip, arguments, quarrels, clashes, fights, disputes, controversies, war of words, abuse, physical abuse, divorce, murder ... Believe it or not but we need to be healed from communication as it is seen through the eyes of the business world, as it is observed as the rule, as it is celebrated and sanctified by them. The time has come to get to the core of the matter, to find the very essence of communication. When last did you bask in your wife's admiration? When last did you receive your husband's little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love? Forget communication, let's rather start talking, let's utter words, let's chat, gab, babble or rattle on. Better still, let us have a little talk together! When last did the two of you have a little talk together? If I can talk with you, I can walk with you - and walk with you and talk with you. We should not delay our little talk together or soon the day will come that - I long to talk with some old lover's ghost, who died before the god of love was born. John Donne 1571-1631. So, when I talk with you, I walk with you and I am with you. So walking and talking we may soon find that we talk till dawn and then ... For God's sake hold your tongue, and let me love! John Donne . So let's talk together, you and I ... The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things: Of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages - and kings - and why the sea is boiling hot - and whether pigs have wings! When we talk together, we could talk so much ... for if you were to make little fishes talk, they would talk like whales! Oliver Goldsmith 1728-1774. We'll soon find that talking is like little waves moving through our souls, cleansing our hearts of anger, pain, fear and guilt. Enjoy your little talk together, celebrate it, sanctify it!

EGSKEIDINGSBEMIDDELING: VRAE EN ANTWOORDE.

Wanneer kan met die regsproses van 'n egskeiding begin word?

1. Daar moet sekerheid bestaan dat die huwelik verbrokkel het.
2. 'n Poging om die verhouding te herstel moes aangewend gewees het.
3. Vir beide of een van die partye moet egskeiding die enigste uitweg wees.
   Dit is egter moontlik om partye wat in konflik verkeer tot wedersydse aanvaarbare resultate te laat instem wat tot 'n meer effektiewe kommunikasie en verhouding mag lei - waardeur 'n baie duur besluit ten opsigte van 'n huwelik afgeweer mag word!

Wat is egskeidingsbemiddeling?

Ten einde geskille tussen twee partye op te los tree die onpartydige bemiddelaar as 'n tussenganger op. Die bemiddelaar help die partye om vas te stel presies watter kwessies vir hulle belangrik is om oor te onderhandel en verleen dan kundige leiding om hulle tot gesamentlike instemming van die oplossings daarvan te bring. Partye word dus deur die progressiewe bydrae van leiding, ondersteuning en beskerming wat noodsaaklik is vir die neem van geskikte en verstandige besluite, gehelp om met waardigheid te skei. Die sistematiese benadering tot feite en uiteensettings van bedoelings, vervat in 'n ooreenkoms, vorm na aanvaarding deur beide partye die basis van 'n onbetwisde egskeiding. 'n Skikkingsakte word saam met die aansoek om egskeiding by die Gesinshof ingedien. Dit is die Verstandige, Bekostigbare Alternatief vir 'n uitgerekte hofgeding en duur regskostes.

Egskeidingsbemiddeling is 'n proses waardeur 'n huwelik of vennootskap op 'n onbetwisde wyse ontbind word, terwyl die partye 'n kompromie vind wat albei pas. Bemiddeling is vinniger, makliker en baie goedkoper as prosedering.

Watter geskille kan deur bemiddeling hanteer word?

Feitlik enige geskil kan deur bemiddeling tot 'n geskikte instemming deur beide partye gebring word. Die bemiddelingsproses laat partye toe om eerlik, sorgsaam, meedelend, nederig en kreatief op te tree en moedig vergewensgesindheid en versoening aan. Wanneer daar egter bestaande misbruik van een of ander middel is wat die onderhandelingsvermoens van een of beide partye beinvloed, of wanneer liggaamlike gewelddadigheid in so 'n mate voorkom dat dit 'n onhanteerbare wanbalans tussen die partye veroorsaak, word bemiddeling nie aanbeveel nie.

Die bemiddelingsproses kan vir vervreemding, egskeiding en vir enige geskille na egskeiding aangewend word.

Waarom is dit nodig om 'n bemiddelaar te gebruik?

Seker die belangrikste oorsaak van egskeidings is gebrekkige kommunikasie. 'n Gebrek aan kommunikasie waaraan nie aandag gegee word nie lei dikwels tot 'n gebrek aan respek. 'n Gebrek aan respek lei daarna tot een of meer van die talle lelike dinge wat as oorsake vir egskeidings aangebied word. Wanneer twee partye in geskil is met mekaar is dit baie moeilik om regstreeks en doeltreffend met mekaar te kommunikeer. Ten spyte van die feit dat die mens met twee ore en een mond geskape is, is dit steeds baie makliker om te praat as om te luister. Wanneer die een party dus regstreeks met die ander party kommunikeer vind die ander party dit moeilik om te luister en veroorsaak die konflik dat die tweede persoon nie luister nie, maar besig is om te dink watter argumente volgende geopper kan word.

Konflik veroorsaak dat ou wonde oopgekrap word en vind gesprekke in siklusse plaas. Die eenvoudigste bespreking kan tot woedende uitbarstings lei. Die bemiddelaar is 'n tussenganger wie professioneel herwinning van ou geskille voorkom en toesien dat meer sorg aan die toekoms as die verlede gewy word. Die bemiddelaar stel die partye in staat om op die bestaande geskille te fokus en om kreatief na nuwe keuses vir die hantering van die toekoms te soek. Die partye word gehelp om hierdie keuses deeglik te bespreek om seker te maak dat dit realisties in die praktyk in werking gestel kan word.

Die bemiddelaar is 'n geduldige aanhoorder en beskik oor die vermoens om die regte vrae op die regte tyd te stel. Hy benader bedoelings sistematies en hanteer die bemiddelingsproses onpartydig en doelgerig. Hy lei die partye om in die toekoms hul geskille konstruktief aan te spreek.

Wat gebeur gedurende die bemiddelingsproses?

1. Alle persoonlike sake word as vertroulik geag en dus nie openbaar gemaak nie.
2. Die partye deel die kostes verbonde aan bemiddeling.
3. Besluite word in eenstemmigheid geneem en resultate word vrywilliglik verkry.
4. Die partye ontwerp die vorm en inhoud van hul onderhandelings in 'n informele atmosfeer.
5. Die bemiddelaar fasiliteer sonder besluitneming.
6. Emosies word vrygelaat, erken en gerespekteer.
7. Meer sorg word aan die toekoms as die verlede gewy.
8. Die bemiddelaar is meer besorgd as neutraal.
9. Die skadelike gevolge van duur betwisde egskeidings word vermy.
10. Kwessies wat opgelos moet word, word geidentifiseer.
11. Toesig oor en toegang tot die kinders word bepaal.
12. Onderhoud van die lewensmaat en kinders word aangespreek.
13. Uitvoerige ouerskapbeplanning word hanteer.
14. Verdeling van vaste bates word bevestig.
15. Verdeling van inkomste uit aftrede word aangespreek.
16. Skuldvereffening word bepaal.
17. Ten spyte van groot onsekerheid oor die toekoms neem partye weer beheer oor hul lewens.
18. Die partye maak die deur agter hul huwelik toe eerder as om dit toe te slaan.

Maar onthou uiteindelik gaan dit oor: Red u huwelik of skei met waardigheid!

Do all the good you can

By all the means you can

In all the ways you can

In all the places you can

At all the times you can

To all the people you can

As long as ever you can! John Wesley 1703-1791.

GETTING DIVORCED?

"Is there anything better than the Rule of Law? Is there a realistic alternative to the legal system? I believe there is. It is one in which results are obtained voluntarily, And decisions are made by consensus; Where parties design the form and content of their negotiations, Where there is informality and infinite capacity for creative results ... It is one where emotions are expressed, acknowledged and respected; Where greater concern is shown for the future than the past, Where third parties facilitate without deciding, and as empathetic rather than neutral. It is one in which people are encouraged to act honestly, Empathetically, collaboratively, humbly and creatively; Where forgiveness and reconciliation are encouraged; Where people are allowed to be human, direct and open; Where anyone can understand what is happening And participate fully without professional jargon. It is one without coercion, That encourages collaboration and permits both sides to win. IT IS MEDIATION". (Ken Cloke.)

Marriage and Divorce mediation. (Saving your marriage or Divorce with dignity)

When we have reached a stage in our relationship where we experience feelings of despair and have turned to family and friends for help, but realise that nothing is happening, no changes are developing, the future still seems bleak, and we gradually perceive that the people we approached are all in agreement with what we want, then we suddenly realise that there must be a better way, a more realistic alternative, a means to understand what is happening.

Our feelings have led us to a lack of communication and a lack of respect for one another. The moment has arrived to understand oneself and one's situation, to ask the right questions, to apply the right technique, to find the answers. It has now become appropriate to implement a systematic approach to facts and to clarify intentions, to act honestly, empathetically and humbly, to have the courage to activate forgiveness and reconciliation. It is time for MEDIATION. WHY MEDIATION?

1. Disclosure of personal matters is avoided because it is confidential.
2. Parties share and retain control over cost, financially and emotionally.
3. Results are obtained voluntarily and decisions are made by consensus.
4. Parties design the form and content of their negotiations in an informal atmosphere.
5. The third party facilitates without deciding.
6. Emotions are expressed, acknowledged and respected.
7. Greater concern is shown for the future than the past.
8. Third parties are empathetic rather than neutral.
9. Clients take charge of their lives in the face of great uncertainty.
10. Damaging consequences of costly adversarial divorce is avoided.
11. Clients close the door of the marriage rather than to slam it shut.
12. Experienced professionals assist clients in:

• Identifying issues they need to resolve.
• Children visitation and custody.
• Spousal and child support.
• Detailed parenting planning.
• Property division.
• Retirement distribution.
• Debt repayment.

It is possible to bring parties in conflict to mutually agreeable results which may lead to a more effective relationship - thereby avoiding one of the most costly relationship decisions of your life!

Before you start with the legal process of divorce it is important that:-

1. You are sure that your marriage has broken down.
2. You have tried to reconstruct your relationship.
3. For either both or one of you divorce is the only way out.

Above all remember that you need to make appropriate and rational decisions and the mediator helps you to accomplish just that.

Should they get divorced?

Although it does not happen that often any more, one still has the opportunity to read or hear about a couple who are celebrating their 40th or 50th marriage anniversary. How do they do that? "Marriage must be an existence of everlasting interest to succeed". Jack Penn. After the marriage ceremony one experiences the honeymoon phase of one's marriage. It is heaven on earth and one's partner is the greatest and life is wonderful. Of course this will not last forever as in fairy-tales and sooner or later one enters into the next phase of one's marriage and discovers the 'truth' about one's partner. Suddenly one's partner has become a normal human being - someone that sweats when it is warm; who needs to brush his or her teeth three times a day but does so only once a day; who gets angry for no real reason; who is sloppy; or farts in the bedroom; or ...(use your own imagination). Fact is, suddenly one has entered the next phase of one's marriage and it all happened so subtle and without warning.

"Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out; and such as are out wish to get in!" Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882.

Gradually one experiences feelings completely the opposite of the first phase of the marriage; disappointment, frustration, stress, conflict, judgment, etc. One needs to blame someone or something and it is normally one's partner or one's relationship or oneself. These feelings may disappear from time to time and be replaced by the wonderful, loving feeling one still has for one's partner; but soon the second phase return. Feelings that are experienced can differ from oversensitiveness to boredom to irritation to anger. During the first phase one is sensitive to illusions, while the second phase makes one susceptible to anguish and loneliness.

"The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man!" Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1772-1834.

Whilst these two phases are experienced by most couples, not every couple succeed in reaching the final phase of one's relationship. This is the sphere one needs to enter into to become part of the ever diminishing group of married people who can celebrate their 40th or 50th anniversary. When one starts to accept oneself for what one is and love oneself, it becomes possible to accept one's partner in the same way. One needs no conditions to love oneself and the same should be applicable to one's partner. "Oneself and one's partner want to be loved unconditional and want to love unconditional". This, however, is a lifelong process.

"That best portion of a good man's life; his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love!" William Wordsworth 1770-1850.